Are My Dating Standards Too High?

Ever feel like you’re struggling to find the right match and wonder if your expectations are a bit out of whack? Maybe it’s time to take a look at your dating standards.

“Having the right dating standards is super important,” says Connell Barrett, a fab dating coach and host of the podcast Dating Transformation. “If your standards are too low, you might end up settling for ‘meh’ dates or, even worse, loveless relationships. But if your standards are way too high, you could be setting yourself up for disappointment because finding someone who ticks all those boxes might be impossible.”

We chatted with a bunch of experts to get the scoop on how to keep your standards in check while still being open to new potential partners.

Figuring Out What Matters Most in Your Dating Standards

Let’s get real about dating! According to Amie Leadingham, our go-to certified relationship coach, having standards is crucial. She’s all about making a list of non-negotiable deal-breakers – you know, those must-have behaviors and values that are essential for a happy relationship.

Amie suggests coming up with about 10 to 15 non-negotiables. Think about it: Do you want someone who shares your spiritual beliefs? Or maybe having a family is non-negotiable for you?

Here’s a handy tip: Reflect on your past relationships and what caused them to fizzle out. Was your ex emotionally unavailable or didn’t treat you like a priority? Jot that down! This way, you’ll have a clear picture of what you absolutely need in a partner to keep things blissful.

Instead of focusing on what you don’t want in a relationship, flip the script and think about what you do want!

For example, if you’re tired of feeling like an afterthought, reframe it. What you really want is someone who treats you like a priority. Maybe you need someone who is emotionally available. Picture this: your dream partner makes time for you every single week, with no excuses!

Dr. Leadingham suggests screening potential partners based on these positive traits. It’s all about attracting what you desire using the Law of Attraction. So, think positive and go after what you deserve!

Avoiding the “Packaging Trap” in Dating

When it comes to dating, the criteria we set for potential partners can make or break our entire journey. But here’s the kicker: it’s not about how tall someone is or the kind of car they drive.

“Some singles are so picky about superficial stuff that they miss out on real love,” says Leadingham. “If your list is all about looks and material things, it’s time to rethink. No one gets divorced because their partner isn’t tall enough.”

This is what Leadingham calls the “packaging trap” – focusing too much on someone’s outer qualities, like their looks, job, and wealth, and forgetting about who they are on the inside.

Barrett agrees and suggests a more balanced approach. He advises his clients to have three to five dealbreakers that truly matter in a relationship. Think of qualities like being physically fit, having a steady job, making you laugh, and sharing core values.

“Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t meet these crucial traits,” he says. But be realistic. Standards like “They must be a millionaire” or “They have to be a perfect 10” are just too high.

Barrett, who coaches introverted men in dating, shares an example. “Sometimes a guy who’s never had a girlfriend wants to date super successful, model-like women. Those standards are not just high, they’re almost delusional. Aim high, but keep it realistic.”

One sign that your standards might be too high? Barely go on any dates – like two or three a year. If that’s you, it might be time to reevaluate what’s truly important in a partner.

Deal Breakers in Dating Standards: What People Really Think

According to a 2020 survey by the Pew Research Center, a lot of people are open to dating someone different from them, but there are definitely some things that can be total turn-offs. Here’s what most people said:

• Lives far away: 51% of people are like, “Nope, not doing long-distance.”
• Has a significant amount of debt: 49% of folks don’t want to deal with someone’s big financial baggage.
• Voted for Donald Trump: 47% wouldn’t date a Trump supporter.
• Is 10 years older: 38% are not into dating someone a decade older.
• Is raising children from another relationship: 36% find this a deal-breaker.
• Is 10 years younger: 27% are not keen on someone much younger.
• Is a Republican: 27% aren’t interested in dating someone with this political view.
• Voted for Hillary Clinton: 26% wouldn’t date a Clinton supporter.
• Is of a different religion: 23% prefer dating within their own faith.
• Is of a different race or ethnicity: 15% have issues with interracial dating.
• Makes significantly less money: 14% don’t want someone with a smaller paycheck.
• Is a Democrat: 11% wouldn’t date a Democrat.
• Makes significantly more money: Only 3% mind if their partner earns more.

These stats show what can make or break a potential relationship for many people.

Balancing Your Dating Standards and Compatibility

how to find that perfect balance between your standards and compatibility when building healthy relationships. Here are some tips to help you navigate love while keeping your must-haves in check!

Be Flexible with Some Preferences

Sure, having dealbreakers and must-haves is super important, but sometimes it’s okay to be a little flexible with the less crucial stuff. Let me give you an example from Barrett, our relationship guru.

Meet Aaron. He met this amazing woman named Alexandra. She checked all his boxes, and he seemed to check hers. But Aaron was on the fence about committing because Alexandra isn’t a big traveler or hiker, which are things Aaron loves. She’s more of a homebody.

After thinking it over, Aaron decided to be flexible on this one preference because Alexandra was perfect for him in so many other ways. And guess what? They’re now a super happy couple!

Admit When a Standard is Wrong

Having non-negotiables is great, but it’s totally fine to realize when one of those standards isn’t actually serving you anymore.

Leadingham, another fab relationship coach, shared a story about a client who only wanted to date guys with college degrees. She thought a degree meant the guy would be ambitious. But when she started dating these degree-holding men, she found out ambition and a degree didn’t always go hand in hand. Some of them were just not driven at all.

So, she shifted her focus from the degree to wanting someone ambitious and driven. And guess what? She fell head over heels for an ambitious entrepreneur who didn’t have a college degree. She later admitted that before working with Leadingham, she had probably missed out on some great guys because of her old standard.

Take It Slow

Hey gorgeous! I know the excitement of meeting someone new can be overwhelming, but let’s pump the brakes a bit. Jumping into a relationship too quickly without really knowing the person can lead to some serious regret later on. Relationship expert Leadingham suggests taking things slow and giving it a good 90 days as a probationary period.

Why 90 days? Well, in the beginning, everyone’s on their best behavior. You want to see who they are when they’re not trying to impress you. Keep an eye out for red flags and make sure they meet all your non-negotiables. If after 90 days their actions match their words and they tick all your boxes, then you might have found someone worth trusting and moving forward with.

Trust Your Gut

Your intuition is your best friend when it comes to dating. When you meet someone new, you’ll probably get one of these three feelings:

• Hell yes!
• Maybe
• Hell no!

Listen to your gut. If it’s a “Hell yes!”, go for it. If it’s a “Maybe,” give it some time—they might grow on you. But if it’s a “Hell no!”, run as fast as you can.

Never Settle

Finding the right person can be frustrating, but don’t lower your standards. It’s totally okay to reevaluate and prioritize what really matters in a relationship, but don’t settle for less than what you deserve. Remember, it’s about finding a harmonious relationship, not compromising on what’s truly important to you.

If you’re wondering if your dating standards are too high, remember, it’s all about balance and knowing what truly matters to you. And when you’re ready to dive into that first date, check out my next post: What Questions to Ask on a First Date. It’s packed with tips to help you uncover the real deal from the get-go. Happy dating!